What Do I Do Now?

Here it is, almost a full year after my last post. I have an interesting relationship with my blog. I love posting, but then I forget about it. Life gets in the way. I am finishing up the Spring quarter at Edmonds Community College. Melissa is set to graduate with her AA on the 17th of this month!! I could not be more proud of my wife. I do love that she is accomplishing so much, and in light of such a public accomplishment, I want to take a moment to state what may be less obvious to those who know our family. Of all that Melissa has done thus far, I think amongst her greatest achievements is being the power behind this family. She has done, and still does, so much for me and our 4 children. There are days (and they are often) where I pose the question to myself "Where would you be were it not for your wife?", then I shudder at the thought.

I consider while I am posting just what I should post. Often it changes a couple of times and I end up deleting what I have written and start over. This post is simple for me though. I want to say a couple things about repentance. One of my favorite scriptures is in Ether 12:27. It talks about how Heavenly Father gives us weaknesses (all of us) in order that we might become humble, and in doing so we would turn to Him and He would turn the weaknesses into strengths. If we are all given weaknesses, then we are all in need of repentance at one point or another. The reason I state this is because I wish to demystify the shame that runs rampant in ones heart and mind when the thought of repentance is proposed. The need for repentance suggests the presence of sin (to a greater or lesser degree) and thus the natural inclination is to separate ourselves emotionally, spiritually and mentally from the discussion. I found a quote that I want to share, and I think it is special.

Elder Russell M. Nelson states: The doctrine of repentance is much broader than a dictionary's definition. When Jesus said "repent", His disciples recorded that command in the Greek language with the verb matanoeo. This powerful word has great significance. In this word, the prefix meta means "change." The suffix relates to four important Greek terms: nous, meaning "the mind"; gnosis, meaning "knowledge"; pneuma, meaning "spirit"; and pnoe, meaning "breath." Thus, when Jesus said "repent", He asked us to change- to change our mind, knowledge, and spirit- even our breath.

I have been born and raised in the church, and can say with certainty that I have heard the principle of repentance spoken of over the pulpit and in many a classroom. As I read this statement I was struck with the most profound of thoughts. To change, to change everything about me, I could understand the supposition clearer that I ever had, but how do I do it?

Do not allow shame, guilt, or fear to drive you away from doing the one thing that is most important above all, repent. I am not calling anyone to repentance. I just see it in a different light, from a different perspective. Maybe some of you already see it this way. For me it is new. The adversary is adept at shaming us into "hiding", compelling us to not approach the Savior. If it is true that we were all given weaknesses, if it is true that we all have to battle over the natural man, and if it true that we are all in need of the sacred power of the Atonement, then we are all the same. If I have felt these feelings in regards to repentance, then there is a strong possibility that you have as well.

There are two types of shame, toxic shame and regular shame. Regular shame is good, it tells us that what we are doing/thinking/feeling is wrong, and that we need to correct, sooner rather than later. Toxic shame tells us that we are bad, that what we have done can never be repaired or repented for. It tells us we have no hope, and there is no use in fighting "what we really are." One type of shame comes from Heaven, another from the Adversary. One is bad, and one is good. Get rid of the bad. Consider this, if you really are as "bad" as you think you are, then that must mean God created you that way. I would argue that to propose such a supposition is ludicrous. Why would a loving God create you only to have you never return to him, eternally suffering? He wouldn't, and you're not.

Unkempt

So...... School is out for summer. Yay...? I'm not sure yet. First I need to give a shout out to all the moms out there. Having the kids in school (all or some of them!!) is a blessing in disguise. It gives the moms a wee bit of a break from all of the most important needs of the children...... and so when school is out, there is much more time for the mothers to meet the needs of the children. Were I not unemployed, I would not have the perspective of a mother. The working husbands might feel they have a "true" understanding of having the kids home all day (Saturdays and Sundays) but alas, they are, due to there diligence in there given responsibility, could not possibly have the experience and thus gain the true perspective that summer brings to amother. Having had the experience myself (and yes moms, I understand that as of this date, we are only a few days into summer!) thus far, I stand firm in the belief that even the strongest of men would shake, and maybe even buckle under the pressure of a summer with all the kids!!! Hats of to the mothers..... I don't know how you do it, and stay sane!! I do realize that in so expressing my lack of internal fortitude and compassion may be a sign of weakness, my hope is that my confession/omage to mothers will be viewed more as an expression of humility and not weakness.

On to my reason for this particular entry. Although I do strive to approach what I type with a sense of humor, todays topic is a bit more introspective than anything. I've been told that you should do what you're good at, and since I am a narcisist..... well, I'll write about myself. If you were asked to describe yourself in one word, what would it be? Some may say to themselves "Thoughtful..... Loving..... A Master Swordsman...." Well, my one word description would be Unkempt. Truly, there has never been one single word that can best describe myself than this....

Don't get me wrong, just because I may use that word Unkempt to describe myself doesn't mean I don't love myself. I love myself.... who wouldn't? I mean really..... The reason I bring this up is this. There are few things I loathe in life more than a cluttered home. Dirty dishes are my enemy, and childrens toys and clothes are my Nemsis'...... I can't stand having a messy home. Now, before all the women out there get upset, I love my wife and she does a WONDERFUL JOB at making our house a house of order. In no way am I implicating my wife in this entry of any type of negligence...... remember, I'm the subject of this post!!

I ask my children to clean up. The inevitable whine and moan of the collective soars to the Heavens, pleading for a reprieve. "Please Daddy, do we have to clean?!!" "I don't want to clean!!" and of course, with complete and valiant obstinence "You can't make me clean!!" Sound familiar anyone......? I have to mentally prepare myself for the onslaught if objections before I make my request, but sometimes all the preperation sizzles in an instant, and the inevitable battle of wills begins.

Do you think there are times in our lives that we behave in the same manner as our children? When we receive the same type of request (or command) from our Father in Heaven, what kind of reaction to we have? "Please, do we have to do it now?" "I don't want that calling" "I don't want to help at the Cannery" Now we're in deep water. I don't speak for anyone else (because I can't) but how often do we fight the Natural Man in the struggle of aligning our will to His? In my belief the struggle lives on moment to moment, day to day.... One of my favorite quotes, and one which I am still trying to disect and digest, is from Elder Neil Anderson. In a talk published in teh Liahona (Nov. 2008) he said "Faith is not only a feeling, it is a decision" That statement hit me with such profundity (yes, that is a real word) that it brought tears to my eyes. How easily we get distracted, as do our little children, from the true PURPOSE of our time and existence here on this earth that when suggestions, proclamations, or commandments are made or given our first and strongest response may be to repel it.

As I strive with my children to maintain clean home, I have come to understand that I need to pursue ever stronger the cleanliness of my heart, might mind, and strength. Faith is not only a feeling, but a decision. One of my favorite readings to recite in my mind is the Serenity Pray. "God, grant me the strength serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference." I know I can do a little better, every day the Savior gives us opportunities to do a little better. I am grateful for the gospel, grateful for my kids, and ever grateful for my wife. She is inestimable........ and I adore her.

May we always strive to keep our house in order........

What is that sound.....?

So, as many of you know, but few may not, I am officially a model. Today I went in for a Size Run for a local distributor. When a company that sells clothes creates a line, they have folks like me (accept mostly smaller) come in to try on there line to make sure things look, feel and function the way they intend them to. As for my experience today, it was my first of this kind. I tried on everything from boxer briefs (yummy) to full length undies to pants, shirts, shorts, jackets, the works!!!!

I have found I have a deep inner desire to try on clothes that aren't mine, and are a little too tight for me. I'm not sure if that makes me creepy, but in the least I rank among the greats like Nacho Libre or The Spleen, from Mystery Men. I like to wear stretchy pants......

Now, as far as the question posed as the title of this newest blog, What is that sound....? Well, there are no photos whatsoever to post from my modeling today. So to answer the question, the sound you hear is that of a thousand hearts breaking, of hopes be dashed against the jagged rocks of disappointment, the sound of weeping and wailing,of a river of tears flowing into Lake Washington...... I am sorry for the lack of photographic evidence, but I promise, I have saved most (if not all) of you from permanent mental scarring.

As for me, I believe I have found my calling in life. I have just begun this journey of tight fitting fabric and changing clothes in a small room full of other men I have just met. It's hard to explain what it's like to have strange women measuring your seat (butt, for those not familiar with modeling vernacular), your high and low hips, your inseam, and even your ankle!!!! Only one word comes to mind..... Glamorous!!!! I am doing what I was put on this earth to do..... and I'm good at it!!!

So here it is.......

The long awaited, much anticipated blog of all blogs has arrived. I do know that many have been waiting for this, with what must have seemed an like unbearable yearning for my pontifications of profound intellectual rumination. The wait is over. May you rest from the toil of self-imposed ignorance.

Shortly I will begin with a series of blogs covering the attributes of Chocolate ice cream. This will give you opportunity to consider joining my campaign of petitioning the FDA to declare ice cream one of the 5 major food groups. I smell victory!!!